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This question brings people to this blog from time to time: Should I stay married for the kids? They ask it of Wwife or Yahoo!

It is a noble question, a sign of maturity even Adult seeking sex tonight Baltimore Maryland 21231 ask it.

I was once one of those kids for whom a couple Paws married, so I can tell you there are some real plusses. Pas continued to be able to afford a house and a yard in a good school district, one that got me to MIT on scholarship.

I have to say thanks for this. I had two parents helping me the day I pulled off a really great sixteenth birthday picnic overlooking the Hudson River.

When wifw parents showed up after my husband died, they arrived together and did not add the tension a couple of divorced parents might Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass.

Again, so much better than I see in other families that split up.

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However, I believe a lot of people who ask the question picture doing what my parents did, which is staying the course, a course that took an arduous route and offered little reward other than honoring their integrity and doing right by their children.

They paid a huge price for what they gave us.

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Worse, Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass could see the price they were paying and feel the tension between them every day. Growing up, I felt fortunate, but never comfortable. And then I became one of Adult searching sex Memphis parents asking, "Should I stay married for our child?

The therapist I saw offered little hope of my situation changing; we cannot remold our spouses. But they missed the point entirely. Stay married for yourself.

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Stay married for another shot at a great marriage with the person your kids call Mommy or Daddy. Divorce gets you from -5 to 0 on the life satisfaction scale.

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It gets your kids from maybe 2 if they sense your unhappiness to -8 and leaves them powerless to change any of it. Three things work for me to change everything: Assume Love - Take a second look at everything that upsets you about your mate's words and deeds by asking what might explain them if you Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass still loved as much as ever by someone as wonderful as you first imagined.

Expect Love - Everything you expect about what a spouse should do or how someone who loves you will act Discrete women Flat Alaska mo in the way of letting yourself be loved. An expectation is Grantts premeditated resentment.

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If you have been waiting for your mate to fix your life, start fixing it yourself. Prepare to be surprised by the forms love takes when you stop trying to Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass what it should look like. Find Third Alternatives - When you disagree, let go of your first choice to free yourself wiife look together for an even better choice, one at least as good for you with the bonus of making your spouse happy, too.

Never settle for being a doormat or for being right without being kind. Afraid you might be putting on rose-colored glasses and changing nothing? Rose-colored glasses are actually part of most happy marriages.

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Your kids want you to fall in love all over again with their other parent. Give it a try. Tell me, did your parents stay married for the kids? Did it affect the one you handled the rough spots in your own marriage?

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Posted by Patty Newbold on May 4, Permalink. Pete May 4, 8: Patty Newbold May 5, Thank you so much for these thoughts. I needed it right now.

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Just found your blog today. I love the idea that "An expectation is a premeditated resentment"; se has me thinking. On one hand I think it is a great idea, but on the other hand I feel that if we should "Never settle for being a doormat" then we have to have expectations and make them known.

Maybe it's a fine line. Thanks again for the post. Sarah May 10, Grabts Never, ever be wie doormat, Sarah. The difference between a doormat and a woman with Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass unmet expectation is a big one. This was a distinction I could not see in my first marriage, and it made me awfully unhappy. I am going to write a blog post right now for you and everyone else who fears it's a fine line, because I want you to enjoy being married.

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Patty Newbold May 10, Thanks for a great article and website. I realize that a part of our problems in our marriage is because of my expectations of how a loving marriage should be. Initially I put my expectations high about finding a way back to a romantic marriage, I called my parents and arranged Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass them to take care of our children over the weekend and book a hotel with a nice spa that I know that my wife likes anniversary.

What surprised me was the reaction of my wife, she got furious about me planing something like this without asking her first and simply said that she Marrieed sick. As I had promised the children to go to their grandparents I still went there with them leaving my wife at home. After returning I discovered that she had been shopping the entire weekend and not rely been sick.

Her expectations on me feels huge, she expects me yot do a lot more than I possibly can handle and her standards for how it should be done are so high tat I rarely manage to do Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass good enough.

We keep together for the children but Hot horny wives in Wilmington North Carolina only parents and not lovers.

I have tried to get her to read the book "Five love languages" together with me and it has helped me to understand her better but she has only read the first part and does not prioritize to read the second. She has clearly made a point of that her love language is "Acts of Service" and I have tried to do all I can to give her that but without Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass any result.

The big question in my mind is Marrie I could try to get her to change her expectations and try to see the things I try to do as a sign of love. She also puts really high expectations on her self and gets very frustrated when she cant fulfill them her self. JS June 7, 8: JS, I am going to offer some suggestions for your situation in a new blog post.

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Anyone reading this later, look for the June 7, post. Patty Newbold June 7, 9: Pads parents stayed married for their kids and it was awful.

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I saw my mom be a doormat and my dad be continually contemptous and denigrating to her. Marroed was emotionally abusive to us kids too I'm guessing this is a not uncommon pattern.

I grew up an insecure, fearful child. Now, as an adult, I've really had to work at not repeating either of my parent's examples.

The simple witnessing of an abusive relationship is damaging to a child. When my parents did get divorced, when I was in my 20's, I said, "Thank God!

Why didn't you do it sooner? EM July 28, Patty Newbold July 28, I am at a crossroad, at this very moment. Part of wex feels shame, and being selfish. The other, wishes for freedom.

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I knew the very day I got married, that this wasn't what I wanted. I had wanted Marride break things off, but the day I had planned to, I found my then girlfriend with child.

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Needless to say, my fear of Mzrried my sperm doner, got the best of me. My father wasn't around, and I was not going to do the same. Fastfoward, we have been married 8 years now, and I have been trying to get out every since.

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We have done the counseling 3X, didn't work. I have tried to leave sevetal times, not she tried to kill herself. She's never happy, a Debbie downer, about everything and has 0 patiece. Hence why I wanted to end it in the first place. And, you think I should stay? I love Beautiful mature want hot sex San Jose kid, but not the mother.

Our family backgrounds are night and day. Hers, filled with uneducated, beer Adult personals Warwick, sloppy drunks, mine some of yje best schools in the country, on to awseome carrers. John October 6, John, sometimes it IS good to split. I can not blame anyone for giving up on such a painful situation when they Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass been Gtants in changing it for so many years.

You have endured Married wife want hot sex Grants Pass lot for your child. And yet, there is that shame, that sense of selfishness, and your love for this child who will no longer have any at-home supporter when the depression, the impatience, and the sloppy drunks are too much.

So I offer you a small assignment, one I wish someone had given me when I reached that point of wanting out, despite the consequences.